Your child got into their dream school. Your child’s best friend thought that was their dream school, too, but got rejected. That’s a dynamic that can really torque teen relationships. “Why did they get in and I didn’t?” is both perfectly understandable and potentially toxic.
In other words, heading into the prime of the decision notification periods, it’s a good idea for parents to have a sense of where their kids’ friends are applying and really want to go. That’s especially true if there is dream school overlap.
(The closest we came to this was that our son got into his dream school and his best friends did not get into theirs. There was thankfully no overlap. And it was honestly touching that, even as they grieved their own rejections, his nearest and dearest rallied to celebrate his admission.)
One thing parents definitely need to know is that there are high school traditions that are designed to be celebratory but can pour salt in the wound of a rejected child.
- There are student-run social media accounts that post (with permission) the name, photos and future school of students. You can keep track of who is going where. It’s nice in theory. But if your child did not get into their ideal school and someone else did, it can hurt.
- It’s also pretty common for schools to set aside a spring day for students to wear gear from the school they will attend. Makes for memorable group photos. But again, it can be tough on the kids who are not going where they dreamed of going.
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WHYYYYYYYY?!?
One thing both of those do is stoke the fire of “Why did that person get in and I did not?” Which can lead to some pretty unpleasant behavior. I’m aware of at least one lifelong friendship shattered by an envious and offensive, “You only got in because …”
If your child was admitted, celebrate the accomplishment with them but remind them that not everyone is as happy with the result of a process that feels extremely arbitrary. Tell them: “Be proud, don’t brag.” Ask them, “How are your friends feeling?” Encourage empathy.
If your child got rejected, remind them that you are proud of them and their achievements and note – for what is hopefully not the first time – that the modern admissions process is capricious and opaque. Encourage them to be happy for their friends.
Here, again, is where making the original college list is important. If you followed our advice and every school your kid applied to is one they could see attending, there should be a happy ending.
In either scenario, keep the result to yourself. It’s their story to tell, not yours. Don’t post the decision on social media. Don’t share it with the parent of another applicant unless you are 100% sure their kid got in where they want to go.
Remember our advice in the column about bracing for joy or disappointment. If you follow the social media account celebrating where kids are going to college – and, come on, you probably do – don’t say anything to your kid unless they got in to their first choice.
You don’t want to make it seem like you pity a friend of theirs who didn’t get in or celebrate another kid who got into a more prestigious school than your offspring. And, wow, you don’t want to express skepticism about why another child was admitted somewhere your kid wasn’t.
In short: You could do worse than follow a college admissions version of the Hippocratic Oath. First, do no harm.
