My son’s smart watch notified him his early decision email had landed while he was onstage performing in his high school band’s winter concert. Another band member had also applied early to his dream school. They quickly agreed not to open their messages until after the concert.
Meanwhile, the group chat with his best buddies was exploding. None of his friends, who had also received notifications and weren’t waiting until the end of the concert to check, had gotten in early, which set his mood to “funereal.”
The drive from the high school to our house is less than a mile and typically takes five minutes. But that night, it felt like a cross-country road trip. He was hunched over in the car, barely holding it together. I had never seen him that stressed out.
We got home. He got his laptop, relocated to the kitchen table (yes, my family can be cliché), gagged a couple of times, eventually popped open the portal … and roared his delight. Welcome to the class of 2028!
In the coming weeks, your child may be finding out whether they were admitted to what they see as their dream school. This column is about what happens if and when they are rejected.
I’ll start by telling you that his friends are very happy where they ended up. That’s the biggest lesson here: If your applicant followed our advice and applied to a list of schools where they thought they’d be happy, then not getting into their first choice is a setback but not a disaster.
If your kiddo is a rising senior, take that to heart. Putting together the right sort of list is important. If your kiddo is about to get that yes-or-no-or-waitlist, let me see if I can help you – with the caveat that every applicant is different.
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Support Structures
How has your child managed stress in the past? Do they retreat to a group chat for comfort? Do they play video games? Do they go for a run? Do they seek out comfort foods? Do they need a hug from Mom or Dad?
If they get rejected by their top choice, they’ll probably turn to whatever has worked for them in the past. Your job is not to tell them to get over it. Your job is to help them to do so.
In the short term, let them grieve.
- They were probably picturing themselves on that dream school campus, in the dream school sweatshirt, doing dream school things. It’s hard to accept that this won’t happen.
- They may also be worried that they have somehow let you down. Especially if their top choice was your alma mater.
- One of the hardest things to navigate is their peer group. Every year, an unofficial Instagram account features where seniors at my son’s high school are going in the fall. It’s meant to be celebratory, but it invites comparisons (“Why did that doofus get into my dream school when I didn’t?”) and envy.
You’ll need to be aware of all of these dynamics. My advice is to be present and available. Remind them that you’re proud of all they have achieved. Remind them that the alchemy of college admissions is arbitrariness. When the time feels right, tell them that their college list includes lots of excellent options. They will find their place!
Embrace the Alternatives
In the medium term, decision season means your child will also (hopefully) be getting acceptances. Celebrate those!
And then help your kiddo get reacquainted with those institutions. They were on the list for a reason. Go look at their websites and social media feeds. Visit the campus again, if that’s feasible. Join your child on this rediscovery. Help them see what was not their first choice as the best choice.
I know a lot of kids who got rejected from their top choice school. I don’t know a single one who ended up unhappy. Sure, maybe a couple of them built a bonfire in their back yard to destroy the gear they bought at what they thought was their dream school.
But in the long term, they’ve been happy. And so are their parents!
