Jill Leibowitz is a clinical psychologist specializing in psychotherapy with children, adolescents and adults.
U.S. News: How do I help my child handle rejection and not take it personally?
Leibowitz: Remind your child that a college rejection is not a personal rejection.
- They are likely to be one among (too) many qualified students who applied, and it’s simply not possible for everyone to get in.
- This means they are one of many students who were rejected. Ideally, this idea has already been planted throughout the application process.
You can also help your child shift their focus to next steps and new possibilities.
But since your child will likely feel badly about a rejection initially, you can support them by acknowledging and validating their disappointment.
- Be careful to keep your own feelings about your child’s disappointment in check.
- Let them know that, since we all experience rejection, a sense of failure and disappointment at various points throughout our lives, this is actually an incredible opportunity for growth.
- Managing rejection and a sense of failure now will help them be more equipped to cope with life’s disappointments in adulthood.
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U.S. News: How can parents manage their own disappointment and anxiety so as to not put those feelings onto their child during the college application process?
Leibowitz: It’s important to remember that this is your child’s process, not yours.
- The focus should be on how they are feeling, not you.
- Parents run the risk of hijacking their child’s experience when they become too involved or invested in the application process (and can actually prevent them from feeling a sense of achievement when things go well).
Also keep in mind that anxiety is contagious.
- If your child is exposed to high levels of your anxiety, they will catch it, either adding to their tension or making them disengage to protect themselves from it.
- Your anxiety sends a message that you don’t believe they will be ok. They need you to reflect to them that they are capable, adaptable and self-reliant.
There are so many colleges where your child might find their passions and their people. Help them focus on staying open to new experiences and people, a more proactive step than worrying about where they’ll get accepted.
U.S. News: What do I do if I have two children and one gets into their top choice and the other doesn’t? How do I balance celebrating with one while consoling the other?
Leibowitz: Both of your children are separate, unique individuals who need to be treated that way. You and your family must make space for both.
- If one child gets into their top choice school, they should be able to express their excitement and happiness and enjoy being celebrated by your family.
- Equally, if your other child is upset, they should be able to express their sadness, disappointment, envy and sense of failure – and you should provide them with validation and support.
- Additionally, it’s important that you avoid comparing the paths of each child and placing a higher value on one path over the other.
